Dear Management-Issues...
I work for a boss who seems to think the world revolves around them. Every meeting is a performance where they take all the credit, and any mistakes are always someone else’s fault – usually mine. They rarely listen to other people’s ideas unless it somehow benefits them, and they constantly seek validation from higher-ups while disregarding the team’s contributions. It’s exhausting.
I’ve tried different approaches – being extra prepared for meetings, offering ideas in ways that highlight how they align with their vision, even just keeping my head down and doing my work – but nothing seems to make a difference. If something goes well, they take the glory. If something goes wrong, I’m suddenly the scapegoat. Morale on the team is low, and I can feel myself burning out from constantly trying to navigate their ego-driven decisions. I like my job, but I’m struggling to see how I can keep going in this environment without losing my sanity (or my job). How do I handle this?
Timothy, Minneapolis
Amanda Holland's Answer:
Working under someone like this isn’t just frustrating – it can feel demoralizing. No matter how hard you work, you’ll always be playing second fiddle to their ego.
The tough news? You can’t change them. The actionable news? You can change how you navigate the situation to protect yourself, your sanity, and your career.
First, be clear about what you are dealing with. Narcissism exists on a spectrum, and not all narcissists are obvious. Some present as charming and charismatic, only revealing their true nature over time. Whether overt or covert, the hallmark traits are the same: self-centeredness, lack of empathy, blame-shifting, and an unrelenting need to be the center of attention.
Your first step is self-preservation. Monitor how this dynamic is affecting your mental, physical, and emotional health. Take care of yourself outside of work – exercise, spend time with loved ones, and actively engage in activities that rebuild your sense of self-worth. When dealing with a narcissist, you need a strong internal foundation.
Next, set boundaries and enforce them. Define what you are willing to tolerate and hold the line by being clear, calm, and consistent. In addition, be sure to document any inappropriate behavior and share it with someone you trust. Narcissists will push the limits, so consequences must be clear and followed through.
Then, play the game strategically. Align your success with theirs – make it in their interest to support you. Flatter them when needed, frame ideas as good for their image, and avoid direct challenges that could trigger retaliation. It’s not fair, but it is effective.
Crucially, don’t take it personally. Their behavior is about them, not you. Remind yourself often of your own competence and value. Confide in trusted colleagues – not for gossip, but for grounding support.
And finally, know when it’s time to make an exit. If the emotional toll becomes too great, and your boundaries, energy, and dignity are under siege, it may be time to go. Have a plan in place and leave on your terms.
Working for a narcissist is a constant balancing act. But with awareness, strong boundaries, and a clear sense of your own worth, it’s possible to survive (and dare I say thrive) until you are ready to make your next move.
